There is one more thing you need to do…Approach it like your head is being held under water. - Lyons SenseiTeacher; anyone who gives guidance along the way; literally "born before"

Knowing you are stuck, in the dojoPlace of the way; a place for strengthening and refinement body, mind and spirit; training hall environment, can create a little tension.  

Some might call it a “gift”. I had a few other choice words in mind.

I knew I was stuck, because SenseiTeacher; anyone who gives guidance along the way; literally "born before" told me I was.  I also felt it from a lot of you.  Several of you also told me – in your own way. I am not sure why it is so difficult to see yourself as you are and then add/subtract as necessary. 

Why it is so difficult to even consider an alternative way of seeing and being?  Why is there so much resistance to giving up what we already have? What I am sure of is that when you cannot take that breath that you so desperately need, you start to consider options that you might not have considered under less tense circumstances. Gift or not, it was mine… all mine.  I realize, now, that no one else could help me with it.  People could say – you are stuck – but they could not unstuck me.  I knew that the answer was all around me, in front of me. I was swimming in it. I had to somehow let it in. Or let it out… I had to be willing to give up what I already had so that something else would be able to present itself. 

There was no pity, blame or even expectation from anyone in the dojoPlace of the way; a place for strengthening and refinement body, mind and spirit; training hall, simply recognition of what was. I had to feel it for myself first and then find an alternative. Be present, be aware, see what was really happening, drop any extra… all those things we hear every night… and allow an alternative to emerge.   I had to abandon part of my aikidoThe word "Aikido" is made up of three japanese characters: ai - harmony, ki - spirit, mind, or universal energy, do - the way. Thus Aikido is "the way of harmony with universal energy." to allow my aikido to continue to grow.

As I look back on it, I needed to do several things:

1. Take responsibility for my training/development
2. See myself more clearly
3. Be willing to abandon what was no longer needed.

At the time, however – visualize your head being held under water here – I was not thinking so rationally.  I was panicking, distressed, exposed, desperately holding on to what I already had, and at the same time looking for solutions everywhere.

In the end I believe that several things helped me through this part of my training:

1. Embodiment of the fundamentals of Aikido and then “trusting my practice”.
2. Being held to the fire.  Sensei made clear where I was and was not going to let me breathe until something happened.  There was no pity or anger and also nowhere to hide… just a gentle but firm hand on the back of my neck.
3. Feldenkrais Training.  Because of our Feldenkrais training I knew that it was possible to feel myself in new ways and find alternative ways to move.
4. Deciding that I was not going to give up.   I had practiced too long and too hard to give up now.  I had to let the negativity and denial that naturally presented itself wash over me.

All these things had to ripen to cre-ate this moment where something else was possible.

I can now see the joy in being stuck. More accurately – I better understand the potential of knowing you are stuck.  I see it as an opportunity to take a deep breath, walk through the door, and just see what is on the other side.  Thank you all for working through this with me (I could not have done it without you).

I am excited to be a beginner again and look  forward  to  connecting  with you on and off the mat.