It took me a while to warm up to IaidoThe art of drawing the japanese sword. In my experience the Way of sword drawing can be a lot like seeing yourself lit up with fluorescent lights and reflected in a department store dressing room mirror. You would never know you had so many flabby spots, wrinkles and blemishes. Am I really that clumsy, that out of control? Why can’t I execute a simple movement that I’ve seen a hundred times? Will my arms and hands ever be strong enough, my hips flexible enough? I’m not supposed to be bored, it’s not very zenA school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition. or martial. Ouch my kneecap, ouch my elbow… will I be ok if I keep doing this? My fears and insecurities ebb and flow with each batto and noto, and would eventually drown me were my head not made of wood.

The self-satisfaction can be just as disabling as the dissatisfaction. Nice, that cut made such a great wooshing sound, probably looked awesome. Nice, I remembered all of that kata on the first try. Ah, my wrist’s at the right angle, aren’t my feet looking proper, aren’t I doing a good job, I must be getting the hang of this. I heard that lately the chain stores have been improving the lighting and quality of their dressing rooms in order to enhance their shoppers’ reflections, and hence their willingness to buy the new clothes. That’s what you get with false self-esteem, I suppose—more cheap junk to clutter your closet.

Self-assurance and self-doubt, the forward and backwards steps of my conceit, march on and on. If you don’t do IaidoThe art of drawing the japanese sword, I’m sure you can relate to the same dance in AikidoThe word "Aikido" is made up of three japanese characters: ai - harmony, ki - spirit, mind, or universal energy, do - the way. Thus Aikido is "the way of harmony with universal energy." and ZazenMeditation posture and exercise practice, and I assure you I do the dance all day long in my acupuncture practice as well. Executing healing miracles has as many pitfalls as never being able to help enough, and I routinely do both, sometimes with the same exact patient.

Still, no matter what’s going on in my head, the sword… just… is, the cut… just… is… There’s a calm eye somewhere in that ceaseless storm of inner dialogue, which also… just… is. A flash of feeling can emerge from it that belongs to the moment as surely as the sword, the cut, the kata.

Once when I was observing my acupuncture teacher, I was struck by the bright, fiery energy she brought to her smallest movements. Boom, boom, boom… Even with a technique as subtle as lighting a tiny cone of moxa or vibrating a needle I could sense she was bringing her whole being into action. Back in my own clinic, amidst my mind’s little conceited dance, I try to recall it. Boom, boom, boom… light the moxa and pinch it out. Place the needle, manipulate, pull it out. Batto, noto.

Recently I switched out my old iaitoJapanese training sword, usually not sharpened for a very, very sharp sword. I really didn’t know metal could get that sharp. My Iaido is now mandatorily deliberate in a way that goes beyond just trying to look good. Amazingly, being in that state of concentration helps to mute the mental chatter that before seemed so inseparable from Iaido. Awake! batto, awake! noto. It’s a matter of practice to draw on that same sharpness in any context. The live blade is just one dragon to ride among many.

In acupuncture we talk about the “arrival of kiSpirit; life force; vital energy; strength; sensitivity (chinese = "chi"),” a certain sensation the practitioner must seek when needling a patient. One of the oldest classics of Chinese medicine, the Ling Shu (Spiritual Pivot), teaches:

The essence of acupuncture is that the effect comes with the arrival of ki. The sign of this is like the wind blowing the clouds away. It becomes clear and bright as if looking into the blue sky.

The arrival of ki is usually said to be something felt through the hands. I’m also discovering the aspect that must be felt in the haraOne's center of mass, located about 2" below the navel. Traditionally this was thought to be the location of the spirit/mind/(source of KI).: that bright spirit which allows the true nature of things to shine. It’s my own to reveal.