It has been a year of grief for Patti and me. In January, Patti’s sister Barbie died from breast cancer at the young age of forty seven. Then our cat, Hissy Fit was run over by a car. Finally one summer night as I put out the trash, our wonderful dog, Daisy was killed by a hit and run driver.  They were all so young and it seemed out of order.

This couldn’t have been their time. The reality of it was hard to take but there was nothing to be done but surrender to the truth of it.

I didn’t like ZazenMeditation posture and exercise when Chiba SenseiTeacher; anyone who gives guidance along the way; literally "born before" first introduced it to me. At twenty five, I had no love for sitting and doing nothing. I trusted him but I also wanted to see for myself how this motionless sitting could have anything to do with what I considered a dynamic martial art.  The advice to sit and “die on your cushion” sounded like surrendering and contrary to the idea of defending yourself that the martial arts seem to espouse.

I recently gave a talk and demonstration to a group studying conflict resolution.  With our culture’s interest in martial arts as a form of entertainment, its meaning has been over simplified. Imagining only its brutishness, this group naturally met me with suspicion. While I couldn’t deny this aspect of the martial arts, we had to get past the idea of it simply being a strategy for pummeling the other guy. As we talked, I could see their interest in how AikidoThe word "Aikido" is made up of three japanese characters: ai - harmony, ki - spirit, mind, or universal energy, do - the way. Thus Aikido is "the way of harmony with universal energy." techniques blend with the intentions of the attacker. The ideal of no one getting hurt was well received but ultimately we had to get past this too. It’s not that these elements are not a part of Aikido but there is so much more if we are willing to dig deeper.

It’s true to say that in Aikido and Zazen we are studying how to fully present ourselves.  It’s also true to say that in these practices we work to fully surrender ourselves. A confrontation is a chance to see if we can drop our small self to encompass a larger view. The desire to preserve the self is surrendered so that we can be unconditionally present. Without an agenda, we allow every opening and in this alert state there is ironically no opening.

In a practical martial sense, meeting each moment without our thoughts as intermediary, we are faster, more adaptive, open to the unexpected. To find this though, we have to face our existential fear. We have to surrender self.

Sometimes preparing to sit Zazen, to die on my cushion, I remember a poem for the deceased that speaks from the point of view of the person who has passed saying “Tasks I have left undone must stay that way”. It’s hard to let go of the activities of life, to drop our self importance and self involvement... to stop worrying about preserving ourselves. Our practice gives us a chance, but sticking with it is not easy. We get little support from a society that misunderstands martial training, thinking it at best a discipline for children and at worst a forum for our animalistic nature... sitting Zazen, doing nothing, unproductive.

It’s natural to have doubt and dismiss what’s not immediately evident.  Even when we have faith we get discouraged and wonder if we will ever be able to lift the veil that obscures our view. But I believe, in quiet moments, at our still point, we all intuitively know that when we finally drop what we are trying so hard to protect we will not only be relieved, we will have resources beyond our imagination. In this there is no time to waste.

Accepting vulnerability
Allowing every opening
Sitting like a mountain
Training at the center of the universe
Without a cloud in sight